SOOTY

About me:

Hi, I'm Sooty,
You may remember me from the hit children's TV show The Sooty Show, named after ME. Since 1952 children loved me, fact. I couldn't go anywhere without shitty-smelling children following me everywhere; shouting "I love you", "you're the best" and hounding me for my autograph.
Then one day, everything changed.
My fucking show was taken off the fucking air and I was fucking unemployed. Slowly, the shithead kids stopped following me around. Cunts. I even went to China Whites one Friday night, the London celebrity hot spot, the place to be and be seen, and the arse faced bouncer wouldn't let me in. I asked him "Don't you fucking know who I am?" and he replied "fuck off you drunk".
I am an alcoholic, so fucking what? You cunts. Once I got so fucked I thought I was clearing up the leaves in my garden and raked my fucking legs off!
I miss Sweep, if you see him, please tell me.

My mates were great back then. That was the new year of 1986; before the cunts left me and fucked off. Wankers.
Finally, I really fucking hate the pricks who dont recognise me. I'M SOOTY. FUCKING SOOTY, U CUNTS. I go out clubbing, please ask for my autograph.



Before I raked my legs off back in 1992.

You all keep asking me where I have been all these years. Well, basically, I was in Africa for 13 years looking for Sweep. He left me because I smashed a bottle over the head of some black kid down my road. He is a fucking nob jockey for leaving, he knew I wanted to fucking do that since I moved in there. We always made jokes about it, but then I fucking did it and he went nuts, he's a nobend.